BoneCraft Review: The Horniest Space Marine This Side of a Cockney Orc
Look, I’ll be straight with you. When I first booted up BoneCraft, I expected a cheap joke stretched thin over some clunky sex scenes. I was wrong. Dead wrong. This thing from D-Dub Software, the same lunatics who gave us BoneTown, is somehow a legitimately fun hack-and-slash wrapped in the filthiest, dumbest comedy I’ve seen in years. You play as Captain Fort Worth, a space marine so stereotypically macho he makes Duke Nukem look like a librarian. Your ship crashes because he threw a tantrum over a crew member’s comment. That’s the tutorial. You immediately understand what you’re in for: unapologetic, testosterone-fueled nonsense.
The planet you’re stranded on is crawling with orcs who speak like they just stepped out of a London pub, elves with questionable fashion sense, and something called “Dick Monsters.” Your mission? Fight through them, collect cash, and eventually get to the Elven pussy. It’s not subtle. It’s not meant to be.
Combat That’s Surprisingly Deep for a Sex Romp
I went in thinking I’d just click on enemies until something died. But BoneCraft actually has a combat system with some thought behind it. You’ve got light and heavy melee attacks, two ranged weapon slots you can swap on the fly, and a block function bound to the mouse wheel. You can also chug jet fuel for a speed boost or literally eat bullets to increase your damage output for a few seconds. It’s stupid, it’s hilarious, and it works.
Your squad of four Wranglers follows you around, and you can give them basic orders—stick close, attack everything, or defend a point. This becomes essential because the enemy AI is relentless and the camera is a bit of a dick. Seriously, the default camera angle is way too tight. I fixed it in the options within five minutes, but it’s worth mentioning so you don’t get motion sick your first session.
- Guns: Shotgun, rifle, flamethrower, cannon. You pick two before each mission.
- Grenades: Explosive and fire. Swapping weapons changes your grenade type.
- Jetpack: You get one. It helps with mobility and finding hidden cash stashes.
- Upgrades: Melee weapons, ranged damage, squad strength, grenade power—you name it.
The only real frustration? Enemies fly back like they’re made of soap when you smack them. Chasing down a single orc mid-combat feels like trying to catch a greased pig. A lock-on would have saved me a lot of swearing. But once you get used to the physics, it’s manageable. You can also let your squad finish off the stragglers while you focus on the big threats.
The Sex: It’s There, It’s Functional, It’s Funny
Right, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. You can have sex with almost any female character you come across. Orc women, Elven babes, even some you unlock through the campaign that never appear in the main story. Press Enter near them, and you enter a mini-game where you match speed and power meters to get both of you off. It’s simple, but it works. Completing the act fully restores your health, which is a smart design choice—it incentivizes you to actually engage with the system rather than just skipping it.
The sex store between missions lets you buy new positions and unlock additional characters. There’s even a brothel that opens up after you beat the campaign, offering a much wider variety of scenes. Some involve multiple partners, some are female-only. No male-on-male stuff unless you count a specific shemale encounter, which is about as far as the game pushes boundaries. The animations are decent, the voice acting is laughably over-the-top, and nothing is censored. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a game that has “Bone” in the title.
One weird quirk: your own squadmates will rush toward any available woman and try to bone her before you can. If they get there first, you miss out on the health regen. I lost count of how many times I had to shout at my monitor, “Get away from her, you useless bastard!” It’s annoying, but honestly, it’s also so on-brand for the game that I can’t stay mad.
Campaign Length and Mission Variety
There are 12 missions total, though one of them is literally just a sex orgy with elves and no combat. The rest involve killing X enemies, collecting Y items, or defending a point. Some missions drag—especially a pseudo “capture the flag” section near the start where enemies respawn infinitely and your squad acts like they’ve never seen a flag before. I beat that one through luck more than skill. After that, the missions smooth out considerably.
The whole campaign took me about three and a half hours on Normal difficulty. That’s short, but there’s replayability in the free-roam mode and the three difficulty levels. I’m already halfway through a Hard run with different upgrades, and it feels noticeably tougher. The currency system means you can’t max everything in one playthrough, so there’s genuine incentive to go back.
If you’re looking for a detailed walkthrough, the minimap in the bottom right shows enemy positions and objectives, but it’s tiny at higher resolutions. I dropped my settings to 1080p just to read the damn thing. Small complaint, but worth noting for anyone with a fancy monitor.
Humor, Characters, and That GTA IV Vibe
The real star of BoneCraft isn’t the combat or the sex—it’s the writing. Every cutscene is packed with references to Warhammer 40K, Zelda, and whatever else the writers were obsessed with. The dialogue is so shamelessly stupid that I found myself laughing out loud at lines that would make a 14-year-old blush. It’s like watching the Republican Space Rangers cartoon from GTA IV, but stretched into a full game.
The characters are memorable because they’re ridiculous. Captain Fort Worth is a moron with a heart of gold and a chainsword. His sidekick Lubbock is the straight man who constantly questions their life choices. The orcs have heavy Cockney accents, the elves sound like they’re reading scripted smut, and the Dick Monsters are exactly what you think they are. It’s juvenile, crude, and I loved every second of it.
BoneCraft characters aren’t deep—they’re archetypes pushed to absurdity. And that works perfectly for this kind of game. You don’t want a nuanced romance or complex character arcs. You want a space marine yelling “Time to get some!” while he chainsaws an orc in the face. And that’s exactly what you get.
Final Thoughts
BoneCraft isn’t trying to be art. It’s trying to be fun, and it succeeds. The combat is solid for a sex game, the humor is genuinely funny, and the adult content is integrated well enough that it doesn’t feel like a tacked-on afterthought. The short campaign and occasional frustrating mission are real drawbacks, but the free-roam mode and upgrade system add enough longevity to justify the price of admission.
If you’re a fan of absurdist comedy, over-the-top violence, and ludicrous sex fantasies, this is an easy recommend. If you’re looking for a deep RPG with meaningful choices and multiple endings, look elsewhere. But for what it is—a dumb, horny, hilarious romp through a fantasy planet—BoneCraft gameplay delivers exactly what it promises. Just keep your squadmates away from the elf girls before you get your turn.